Kissing your fingertips you pressed them to the cold granite and looked up at the sky. It was just starting to become light but it was grey with a promise of rain. Your gaze fell back to the words etched in the granite. The same words that would be forever etched in your mind. Kneeling down, you traced the letters of Mike’s name with your forefinger. Loving husband, father, son and brother. Mike’s life summed up in six words.
“Isaac is going to play soccer this Fall. T-ball went really well so we’ll see.” Placing a hand on the headstone you pushed yourself up. “He’s becoming quite the athlete. And, uh Cora, she’s taking swimming lessons. Swims like a rock, just like you.”
Shaking your head, you chuckled a bit. “I know get to why I’m really here.” Taking a deep breath you continued. “So, I told you about Peter. The thing is I love him. And that scares me honestly. The last time I loved someone like that…” Taking a deep breath you steadied yourself. “He adores the kids, and they are crazy about him.” That thought actually made you smile. “He loves me but I pushed him away. The thing is it feels like I’m betraying you by loving him.”
“I thought I was the only one to come here this early.” The voice startled you.
“William.” You wiped tears from your eyes. “Hi. I, uh was just, uh…”
“I talk to him a lot too,” he confessed with a small smile. He was quiet for a minute, his brow furrowed. “You know what Mike wanted more than anything? He wanted you, Isaac and Cora to be happy.”
“I know. It’s what I wanted for him too,” you replied softly.
“The happiest years of Mike’s life were the ones he got to spend with you and the kids,” William said.
Starting to sniffle you pulled tissue from your pocket and wiped your nose. “I didn’t think I could be happy again, not like I was with Mike. Or love someone again…”
“But you have with Peter. Your love for Peter doesn’t negate the love you had and shared with Mike.”
You turned your eyes to his. “Yeah but pretty sure I’ve made a mess of that,” you laughed mirthlessly.
“Talk to him. Hear one another out. What you and Mike had was special that doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t deserve to have that again.”
“You’re right. I’m going to go. Let you have your time.” You hugged him tightly. “I love you, William. Thank you.”
“Love you too kiddo,” he responded then kissed your head. As you were walking away William said, “Anne will be texting you to come over for dinner. Bring Peter.”
You smiled and nodded. “I’ll do that.”
The things that usually help you sleep, hot bath, sleepytime tea, a glass of wine, weren’t working tonight. 2AM. Maybe if you would have called Peter like you said you were going to do for the past week you would be able to sleep. Thankfully you didn’t have a shift and would be able to have a chill day at home with the kids. Sitting up you remembered Mike’s letters. He had handwritten letters for almost every event in your lives. Everything from after your first date to present. Some for even after he passed. There were separate ones for the kids as well. How he ever found time to write them you didn’t know but you were thankful he did.
Throwing the covers off, you switched on the bedside table lamp. The letters were kept in a large manila envelope in your nightstand. Thumbing through the smaller envelopes you found the one you were needed to read. After putting on your reading glasses you opened the envelope and removed the letter.
You ran your fingers over the paper that had been indented with Mike’s heavy handwriting.
My dearest Y/N,
I’m just going to say it. It’s okay to fall in love again. I know what you are thinking right now, “how could Mike even think I could love anyone else.” And right now you’re smiling and shaking your head because I’m right. Y/N, you deserve to love and be loved. And yes, I know what else you’re thinking, but you’re wrong. In no way are you betraying or belittling the love and life we shared.
Whoever it is that has won your heart must be a pretty good guy to take you on. I’m joking, well kinda, haha. Seriously, he needs to know about your Harry Potter obsession, that you “don’t snore”, how you like your eggs, that bacon is your preferred breakfast meat, that you eat pineapple on your pizza (insert eye roll), that you never make the bed, leave the lid off the toothpaste and think that taking a multivitamin means you don’t have to exercise.
The most important thing he needs to know is your capacity to love. I have never met someone that loves as completely as you do. How passionate you are about your patients and your career. That you would do anything you could if it meant our children didn’t have one day of sadness. When you love someone you’re all in.
It also means he has taken on the responsibility of helping you raise our children. That takes a special person to love children like they’re his own. Which brings me to my next point. I will always be their Daddy, their father, but if the day comes that they call him Dad, it’s okay. That is if he has earned it. It’s not just about being apart of the fun things. It’s being there through the up all nights because they’re sick, the tantrums, the days when they’re being extra sassy.
This letter was actually the easiest of all of them to write because if you’re reading it, that means you have found happiness again. And that’s all I have ever wanted for you and our children.
Love, Mike
You folded the letter back up and held it to your chest. It gave you a sense of peace reading Mike’s words. Glancing over at your phone on the nightstand you picked it up and tapped out a text to Peter.
[To: Peter 2:25AM] hope this doesn’t wake you. I’d like to have you over for breakfast. I miss you.
Your phone pinged almost immediately.
[From: Peter 2:26AM] I’d love to have breakfast with you. I’ve missed you so incredibly much. Does 7AM work?
[To: Peter 2:28AM] 7AM is perfect. Can’t wait to see you.
[From: Peter 2:30AM] neither can I.
SVU addict 