carisi-dreams:

sure thing. some more info first, though! 

so nicolas dies about 6 months after this. while in Miami that last time (in that fill I reference) to see Diego you and Nick swing by to visit Nicolas, his wife and their newborn baby briefly. you spend about an hour there. (a very tense hour). it’s enough to exchange pleasantries and you beg off by saying your son needed his nap. everyone leaves more or less satisfied, even though nick does leave the hotel after he drops you off to go for a long walk. he doesn’t go far at all and actually calls diego who talks to him for 20 minutes before he goes back up to his room with the two of you. okay cool, let’s go! 

part 1 | texts 

also this is angsty af so queue up some fluff first, yeah?

//////

Nick finally texted you back, just three short sentences letting you know that he was okay. Well, not okay, but apparently safe and heading home soon. Whatever definition of the word ‘soon’ he was applying this time. Again you contemplated trying to search for him, but with your son asleep there wasn’t much you could do. It was nearly ten at night and to wake up Elijah and get him dressed at this hour would be too disruptive. There was no need for the entire family to be awake and distressed and as you ran your hands through Shadow’s fur again you were grateful for the cat’s presence. There were dishes that needed to be washed and clothes you needed to set out for work tomorrow, but you couldn’t bring yourself to move. If you sat there staring at the front door and praying then surely Nick would walk through it any moment.

You startled when your phone buzzed again, but your hopes were quickly dashed as you saw Diego’s name light up on the screen briefly. He sent another text asking if Nick was home yet or if you had heard from him. With a sigh you swiped open your screen and shot off another quick text letting him know that Nick wasn’t home yet, but that you had heard from him. You knew Diego had work early in the morning so you tapped out another text urging him to go to bed, letting him know that you would call if Nick didn’t come home. Even through text you could sense that Diego was grumbling and the reliability of your relationship with him brought a small smile to your face.

You were surprised that you hadn’t heard from Nick’s mom or Sonya yet, but you tucked that away for another day. Right now your priority was praying hard enough for Nick to walk through that door in one piece. You didn’t even care what state he was in, whatever, however he was feeling, you just wanted to see him. One of Shadow’s ears suddenly swiveled in the direction of the door and he meowed before jumping off your lap and heading in that direction. You stood slowly in anticipation; that cat had a sixth sense for knowing when Nick was at the door.

You heard the locks slide back and the door was being opened as Nick finally let himself in. You exhaled hard, momentarily getting light headed from relief, before shaking yourself and taking a step in his direction. Nick had his back to you, closing the door softly and locking all of the locks before pausing. You saw his shoulders raise and drop as if he had taken a breath to fortify himself before he turned to look at you. Nick’s face was trying for stony and falling a bit flat and you could see redness in his eyes where he must have been crying earlier. You made an involuntary noise of distress at seeing the lost look in his eyes and you closed the gap between the two of you, gently removing his gun and badge and placing them temporarily on the table beside the door. You reached one hand up for his face and the other for his hand by his side where you laced your fingers with his. The room was silent and Nick broke eye contact to look to the side, working his mouth to disguise it’s trembling.

“I’m glad you’re home,” you told him gently and he nodded once and shuffled his feet. Clearing his throat he loosened his tie and you knocked his hand away to finish loosening it for him to slip over his head. It got cast somewhere to the side and you gripped his neck again, taking a step even closer to him.

“I, uh, I’m sorry I’m so late. I…just needed a moment to um…” Nick started in a stilted voice. You shushed him gently and stroked his neck. Once he spoke you could smell the whiskey on him. He was upright and wasn’t slurring, but he had definitely spent time drinking before heading home.

“You don’t need to apologize, Nick. I understand—was just worried. Baby, I’m so sorry about Nicolas,” you replied sincerely. Nick ducked his head and nodded, but you didn’t miss how his eyes were filling up with tears again.

“I didn’t even like the bastard, but he was still my f—” Nick’s voice cut off abruptly as a sob choked out. You made a soothing noise in the back of your throat and pulled his head into your neck, wrapping your arms around him. Ideally you’d make it to the couch, but judging by how distraught he was becoming you didn’t think you’d make it that far. Tears dripped down your neck as he cried and you held him even tighter before stripping his jacket off with one hand while you held him with the other. Once it was off you wrapped both arms around him again, rubbing a firm hand up and down his back steadily and holding on for dear life.

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you. You’re home. You’re safe. It’s okay. Let it out, I’ve got you,” you murmured quietly and at your words he began crying in earnest. His sobs were bubbling against your neck and his body shook as he continued to grieve. His hands scrambled for your back, fingers fisted in the back of your shirt and as his cries got louder you were thankful that your son was a heavy sleeper. 

You could feel Nick’s knees give out and you gripped him tighter and helped lower him to the floor, following him down. You crossed your legs and pulled him in close to you, using your shirt to wipe some of the tears from his face before he tucked his face back into your neck and held on tightly. You rocked him gently, mostly making soothing noises and every so often reminding him that you had him, he was safe, you weren’t going anywhere. After awhile he slipped down so that he was curled on the floor around your legs, head in your lap and hand shielding his face as he continued to cry. You leaned over to wrap your body around his, one hand in his hair and the other on his back and the two of you sat there a long time before finally getting up and getting him into bed.

//Awww… thanks babe! This turned out a little ;onger than I first expected. I too have anxiety/panic attacks, so I understand 100%. Hope things get better for you!//

It had building for a few days. That gnawing, sickening pit in your stomach, the lump in your throat, unable to catch your breath and constantly being on the verge of tears. Focusing on anything for any amount of time was impossible. Usually you could combat it with deep breathing, yoga, but not this time The frustrating part was that everything in your life was going so well. You loved your job and it was very fulfilling, your family was healthy, and the cherry on top was your sweet, wonderful boyfriend, Sonny. 

A message from Sonny popped up on your phone screen ‘hey doll. should be at your place in about 1 hour. i have missed you so much. love ya’. 

No way he could see you like this, you were a mess. His job was high stress, taxing both mentally and physically, you were not putting your crap on him too.You responded back,  ‘not feeling well. rain check?’. 

Seconds after texting, your phone rang. “What’s wrong? Stomach bug? Flu? Bad day at work? I can bring you whatever you need” Sonny rapid fired the questions at you. Why did he have to be so good to you? You didn’t deserve it. 

In a small voice you said, “no. Nothing like that. I just…” trailing off.

 “What’s goin’ on? You sound…off. You know you can talk to me.” His voice concerned.

Feeling your eyes well up with tears you tried to steady your voice. “Sonny, I’m sorry. I just need to be alone.” 

There was a long silence before he answered back. “If that’s what you need, doll. I love you. So very much.” 

“I love  you too”, your voice was shaky, barely able to talk and you hung up.

Making your way to the kitchen, you grabbed the wine that you had chilling in the fridge, poured a glass, swallowed it down in one gulp, then poured another. Switching on the TV for noise you plopped down on the couch. ‘Ok. You can get through this. Mind over matter. Take a deep breath. Your mind is our own worst enemy’, you kept saying this over and over. All the while tears were streaming down your face.

 The jiggling of the lock pulled you out of your mediation. Sonny walked into your living room. One look at you and he rushed to your side. “What happened? Are you hurt?”, he grabbed your face.

 “Sonny. You’re here.” Falling into his arms, you let out big, heaving sobs. 

He pulled you into his lap, encircling you on his arms, “Shhh… You’re ok. I’m here.. I got you doll. I love you.” You buried your face in his neck and he gave you kisses on top of the head. 

After a few minutes you sobbing turned to quiet sniffles. Sonny took your chin between his fingers, raising your face your eyes met with his and placed a tender kiss to your lips. Looking down you saw that you had left big tear and mascara stains. “Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry! I’ll buy you a new shirt.”

 “Never really liked this shirt anyway”, giving you a big grin showcasing his dimples. A small giggle escaped you lips.

“C’mon. I know what you need.” He sat you down and took your hand leading you into the bathroom. He turned on the faucet waiting for the water to warm, then put on a bath bomb. He took off his jacket, then unbuttoned his vest and paced them on the bathroom stand. You started undressing and got in the tub. It felt so good. 

“You’re not getting in?” “I will in just a minute. I’ll be right back.” 

He returned as promised a couple minutes later. He finished undressing and slipped behind you into the tub. He tangled his legs with your and wrapped you up in his arms. You sighed and melted into his chest. He made small circles on your arm with his thumb. He waited a few minutes, “Wanna talk about it? I know it’s more than just a bad day.” 

Taking a deep breath you explain your anxiety and depression. “I’ve wanted to tell you but you already deal with so much in your job. I just didn’t want to dump on you.” 

He shifted so you were looking eye to eye. “First of all please never think that. You can tell me anything. I want to know when something is bothering you.  I want to be the one you turn to. You mean the world to me. Your happiness is important to me. I love you more than anything in this world.” 

“Thank you Sonny. That means so much to me. You are the first person I have ever shared this with.” He pulls your face close to his and gives a passionate kiss. The doorbell interrupts your make out session. He scrambled out of the tub and you admired the view. 

“See something you like, ma’am?” You bite your bottom lip and nodded. He laughed as he wrapped a towel around his waist and jogged to the living room to get the door. The water was cooling off,so you pulled plug and got out as well.

Pulling your robe on, you made your way back to the living room. Sonny was in the kitchen. “Mmmm… what smells so good?”

 “I ordered fro your favorite Chinese restaurant. He grinned.

“ Babe that is so sweet, Sonny. Thank you. For everything this evening”, you wrapped your arms around his waist, then stood on tip toe give him a kiss. 

Looking down at you he said, “C,mon. Let’s go watch some trash TV, binge on Chinese, drink some wine and pass out on the couch.” 

You laugh, “Quite the romantic, Detective.” 

“Only the best for my girl” and you both start laughing. It felt good to laugh. You had work still to do, but knowing Sonny was in your corner made facing your problems a little less scary.

carisi-dreams:

crazyassmurdererwall:

• nice comments on their fic, even if it’s just a smiley face or a “loved this!”
• kudos on their fic
• people who come into their askboxes to talk about their fic
• photosets made for their fic
• fic rec lists with their fic
• fan art made for their fic
• playlists made for their fic

all of the above #swoon

Hope the rest of your day went better than the morning boo! 

amirightcounsellor:

May I suggest Nexplanon?

(Me too friend, me too)

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