Author: shanonrutherford6973

Just a small town girl who loves L&O: SVU and fic writing

DISTANCE: 3

therandomfics:

Sonny, 

I’m sorry that it came to this, that your last contact from me will be in the form of this letter. Truthfully, I have no idea when you’ll read this, or if you’ll read it, but I want to cover my bases and let you know a few things. We’ve been together for how long now? Two and a half years? I’ve barely seen you for the last 8 months. I respect your line of work and appreciate your commitment to serve and protect, but at what point were you going to protect our relationship? 
When we first met, I couldn’t believe how wonderful you were. Do you remember? You interviewed me, and then Mr. Barba prepped me for trial. I was so thankful I was able to save that woman’s life, so thankful that I made a difference, and so thankful to have met you. My Knight in Shining Armor. The first handful of dates we went on left me reeling – I felt manic if I’m being honest. I just couldn’t believe that someone like you wanted someone like me. Even after we moved in together, or rather I moved in with you, it still felt like pure magic. I never wanted that feeling to end. 
Yes, I’ve lied awake at night, wishing that I’d never met you, wishing that you’d turn in your shield and take up law, or anything other than leaving me for as long as you did. But you know, I was patient, and forgiving. 
I trusted you to be the one that would never betray me. I know you know why it’s so important to me that I give my all and get the same in return. You know my parents were together nearly 30 years when my Mom left my Dad for some random man she met online and destroyed my concept of trust. You know the horrors of dating I experienced – it’s not easy being a woman, especially in a big city. You know the absolute nightmare my mother has become and how she tried to pit me against you so many times just to feed her own sick, sad little mind… and I never let it happen. 
Sonny, you were number one in everything. Nothing came before you, but I will not promise that nothing comes after you, because I deserve something more. You’ve left me lonely for too long. You didn’t check in, you didn’t have anyone check in on your behalf, nothing. If I hadn’t seen you with her.. I would have thought you were dead.  You told me you were going back to find out what was going on, why someone would be trying to contact me, and then you’d be back. I understood – I was angry, but I fucking understood. Then, after I’ve been missing you for so long, I see you on the platform kissing that woman like you’ve loved her longer than you pretended to love me. What did I do to deserve this? 
Amanda said you’re deep under and you’re trying to make friends with someone who know what’s really going on in hopes that you can bust a ring. A ring of what? Pedophiles? Rapists? Traffickers? Who cares? I don’t? 
I’m so sorry it ends like this, darling. Please know that I will forever think of you as the man who taught me how to love and simultaneously want to kill myself at the same time. What a delight – what a SKILL SET you must have to make me feel so wildly unstable. I’d say I’m proud of you, but only if that translated to burn in Hell. 

Wishing you the best… 

Y/N

You sealed the letter in an envelope and left it lying on Sonny’s pillow for his long awaited return. A return, of course, for which you would not be present. It took no time at all to reach out to a friend in Brighton Beach and ask if you could stay with her for a bit, as things had gotten murky with your boyfriend. The neighborhood was a bit further from work, but you didn’t mind. After all, you’d no longer be in any rush to come home in the hopes that you’d find Sonny. You’d just be going home to Kristin and her childish but sometimes amusing boyfriend. Plus, it was only temporary, you reminded yourself. 

You changed your number, deleted your Facebook and Instagram, and created a new e-mail account in hopes of moving on and getting things together again. Sonny’s name had stayed on the lease and rent was drafted monthly from his account, so you weren’t too terribly concerned with that portion, either. Even more, you had started taking a new route to work just in case he tried to find you. For all you knew, though, he was still undercover, playing house with his new girlfriend. It occurred to you in a painful fashion that it was possible that his charade had been going on for quite some time – but, you weren’t worried about any communicable diseases, as you hadn’t been intimate with him in almost 9 months. It had been so long since you’d seen him, you had to admit you’d felt single but betrothed for so long, that you didn’t know how to act anymore. 

“Alex is gonna invite some friends over tonight, cool?” Kristin asked you before you headed to work. It was too early for conversation but she was doing you a huge favor by letting you stay there, leaving you no option but to be polite. 

“Yeah, no problem, you know that. I’m not gonna be home until like 8 or 9 tonight. The kids have their poetry reading tonight and I promised I’d supervise,” you explained as you slung your bag over your shoulder. “But yeah, definitely fine with me. See you tonight.” 

When you finally arrived back home that night, you were surprised to see that Kristin hadn’t been lying. Usually her some people meant at least fifteen people crowded into the apartment, but this time it really was only Kristin, Alex, and three of their friends. Two females and one male, whose names you didn’t catch as you went to your room and secluded yourself from the festivities in the living room. They were playing cards and drinking, which was a fairly common way to pass the time for them, you’d noticed. 

Even though you’d been staying with Kristin for about two months and had grown comfortable there, you wished you had your own place again. Before you met Sonny, you’d scored a loft for a steal and had stayed there for two years. But, along came Carisi and your life was flipped on its head. He changed so much of your day to day, you wondered how you’d ever move on without him. 

There was a knock at your door as you were changing into more comfortable clothes. You grumbled and opened it to find the mysterious man in the hall. It was a welcomed interruption. Human interaction normally meant not thinking about Sonny, and when he was a 6′1″ linebacker build with brown eyes and a mess of brunette curls, you were obliged to interact. 

“Hi?” you asked, brow arched. 

“Hey. Sorry to bother you. Alex said that you might have a phone charger?” he asked and held up his dying phone. 

“I do. Yeah, I’ll grab it,” you offered and walked over to your desk to unplug the cord. “When you’re done with it you can just leave it in the living room, I’ll grab it in the morning.” 

“Uh.. I was actually hoping I could hide out for a while,” he said with a nervous laugh. “Kristin and Alex are about five minutes away from being pornographic and Jennifer and Rachelle are.. not far behind. I’m the DD so I can’t exactly leave them. But, if not it’s totally fine!” 

You shrugged and handed him the charger. “You’re welcome to hang out here. I was just gonna watch TV for a while.” 

“Thanks. I’m Ryan by the way.” He plugged the charger into an outlet and plugged his phone in, setting it down on the floor. He pulled the chair out by your desk and sat down, considerate enough not to assume he could sit on your bed with you. 

“Y/N. Nice to meet you, Ryan.” You sat down and turned on the TV in your room, scanning until you found a B-Rated horror movie on Netflix and settled in. Your bed was against the wall, acting as a massive couch lined with pillows and blankets. It was comfortable, and you felt slightly selfish for making Ryan sit at the desk. “You’re welcome to sit over here, by the way. I know that’s an uncomfortable angle and a hard chair.” 

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” he confessed and stood up, finding a spot as far away from you as he could. “You haven’t been living here long have you? I feel like I’ve only seen you once.” 

You nodded absently and pulled your knees to your chest. “Just like, a couple months. I had a failed relationship and exiled myself to Brighton,” you explained with a small laugh. 

“Me too, actually. That’s why I hadn’t been hanging out with Kris and Alex as much. My girl – ex girl – wasn’t a fan of their company, said they were too wild. I dunno, they seem alright to me. It’s good to be free again.” 

You looked over at him and smiled. “You might be onto something. It is nice to know that I don’t have to expect anything. Things just are the way that they are.” 

“You’re really gorgeous though. I doubt you’ll be on the market too long – unless you want to be,” he added quickly. Compliments and common sense.

“I dunno about that one, Ryan. I thought I had a good one last time – you know, being so pretty and all – but he wasn’t really around much. Left me pretty lonely, especially the last almost year of the relationship.” You sighed, and then kicked yourself mentally. You didn’t want to appear vulnerable but there you were, admitting freely that you hadn’t been intimate in almost a year. “It’s fine though, you know, I’m tough and everything.” 

The blush that flashed across his cheeks meant that he knew what you’d accidentally confessed. “I’m sorry that you had to experience that. I hope that when you’re ready, you’ll find someone who gives you the attention that you definitely deserve.” 

Embarrassed, you averted your eyes to the television in time to see a poorly made up zombie trudging through the woods outside of an unsuspecting family’s home. You suddenly felt awkward, your face burning and your heart racing. The freedom of knowing that you could lean over at any given point and touch this new friend of yours left your head spinning. You’d forgotten what it felt to be with anyone but Sonny, and truth be told you’d almost forgotten what that was like, too. You spent the next half hour staring at the screen without understanding what was happening; anything to avoid looking at him. 

“Why do women wear heels when they’re staying at a cabin?” he asked after a while, watching a woman run through a dense forest in stilettos. 

“Because they’re sexy.” 

“You don’t need heels to be sexy, you know. A woman can look great in shorts and a hoodie,” he explained glancing over at you, pointedly, as you were wearing his described clothing combination. 

“But stereotypical sexy means cleavage, heels, and an air of damsel in distress,” you countered, trying to ignore his compliment. 

“That’s not really my thing, I guess.” 

“Yeah, mine either. I mean the stereotypical man – the whole Harvard or Hudson look.. I hate it,” you confessed with a laugh. “Give me some flaws, some rough edges, something else.” 

“You’re in luck. I am flawed, and very rough,” he replied, then laughed. “Not like that. I mean. No, no, nevermind.”

Pressing pause on the movie, you looked at the time and sighed. “Ryan, it is my bed time as of twenty minutes ago. I’m sorry to interrupt your internal conflict but I really have to tell you goodnight.” You scooted to the end of the bed and stood up, walking to the door. 

He followed suit and grabbed his phone, pausing as he stood in between you and the door. The world moved slowly around you as he leaned down and placed his hand on the back of your neck, pulling you closer to his face. When he finally kissed you, he pressed his body to yours and pushed you back against the door frame. It was aggressive and sexy, but it wasn’t right. You pulled away a few moments later and stared up at him in confusion. Yes, you had enjoyed it, but it just wasn’t right. 

“I.. uh..” you stammered, taking a step back. “I really need to sleep. I’ll see you around?” 

“Goodnight,” he said with a smile, and headed back down the hall. He turned around a few seconds later and stopped. “Hey, also? Next week Jennifer is hosting a Halloween at her place in Queens. Go with me. You’ll have a good time. I was thinking about being a Priest but I’m not sure yet. I’ll pick you up.” 

Once Ryan left, you shut and locked the door, fighting back the need to sob uncontrollably as you washed your face and brushed your teeth. You slept like absolute hell that night, dreaming of Sonny everytime you closed your eyes. Had you made the right decision? Who knew if he’d even read your letter yet. 

That broke me.

DISTANCE: 2

therandomfics:

“Sonny, please don’t go.” Begging, though not your style or expertise, was something you were willing to do when it came to the only one you loved. 

His sigh and slumping shoulders gave away his guilt. Of course he didn’t want to leave, but if he wanted to make sure he took care of loose ends, he couldn’t be with you until it was over. “I have to, Y/N. I should have never came back in the first place. I put you in danger and if anything happens to you I’m not gonna forgive myself.” 

Beneath the warmth of your sweater, your stomach was doing somersaults. One second you were hopeful, the next you were disgusted. Why must things be like they are? You chose to stay silent, knowing that pleading would only make him feel more guilty, and you didn’t want to hurt him. 

“It wouldn’t be an issue if I hadn’t been out of that house for nearly five days once you got that call. That’s the problem. I didn’t have your number saved in the burner, I never called you while I was under. It was a risk I didn’t wanna take and yet somehow my best laid plans got shit on.” He was packing a few of his more casual clothing items to leave, having deposited his old bag by the laundry closet on his way in. 

You wanted to tell him that whoever it was knew your name, but again with the desire to keep him more calm, you chose not to say anything. Instead, you sat on the edge of the bed and watched him pack. He was moving slowly, as if he wanted to take his time and be near you – but, you both knew time was almost up. 

“Let me make this right, and I’ll be back,” he insisted, leaning down to kiss you goodbye. You held him tight for a moment longer and then let him go, nodding and fighting back tears. It was never easy to watch him go, but if it were easy, there’d be no point in staying. 

It had been two months since you’d seen Sonny. The same disgusting feelings of wondering why you stuck around continued to float through your head, and after the first few weeks, you started to welcome them. Misery loved company, and you had become so very miserable. While you knew Sonny was working, it was hard for you to understand why he accepted the UC position, anyway. It was so dangerous, and while he was great undercover, you wished he had less talent when it came to being multiple people. 

From your tidbits of updates through SVU, you already knew Sonny was working to get close to someone who they suspected of serial rape throughout NYC, and perhaps even down into New Jersey and Delaware. What bothered you most is that someone from the house they were staying in had called you and knew you by name, and now your better half was missing. Benson couldn’t give anymore information than she already had, and it didn’t seem like anyone else was willing to fork over any input, either. 

It was better to try to live your normal life, though, even if it wasn’t easy. You worked during the week as a Instructional Assistant at a local Elementary school. On the weekends, you worked on grading the most difficult 4th grade spelling tests you’d ever seen. That was a benefit – being an IA meant you had all eight of the classes as yours, so you stayed busy. When you weren’t nose deep in gel pens and eraser marks, you volunteered at a soup kitchen, though sometimes you stayed home and sulked. Sulking was your favorite. 

“What’s on the menu today?” a grainy voice asked on the other side of the partition. 

“Good afternoon, Louie. Looks like we have spaghetti tonight, or broccoli cheddar soup. Pick your poison,” you replied with a soft smile. The interaction was nice, but sometimes exhausting, especially when you didn’t feel like pleasantries. 

“Soup,” he replied, taking the bowl from you and moving on down the line. “Thanks.” 

You  murmured a ‘welcome’ and kept it going, serving the next thirty or so guests before everything was gone and it was your time to leave. Volunteering was pretty nice, and you wondered why you hadn’t done it earlier. You had been preoccupied with spending all of your time with Sonny that it was strange but fulfilling to do something for another person. 

“I’ll see you guys next weekend. Thanks, again,” you called out as you left the building. It was dark and brisk, your kind of weather, as you stepped out onto the street. The only concern you ever had was that you weren’t in the best neighborhood when you did your volunteering, and it was always dark when you left. The walk to the subway only took about five minutes, though, and you usually hyped yourself up enough to make the trip in 3 minutes. 

On the platform, you waited for the next train. Five minutes, hopefully less depending on traffic and whether or not people actually got off when they were supposed to, instead of lingering in the doorway so the conductor had to wait. A couple some twenty feet down from you caught your attention, giggling and twirling one another around. It must be nice. Seeing them out of the corner of your eye really made you miss him, but it simply was what it was, nothing could change that anytime soon. 

The woman, in mid spin, lost her hat and watched as it fluttered to your feet. You bent down and scooped it up, meeting her halfway on the platform. 

You offered her hat with an outstretched arm. “Here you go.” 

“Thank you,” she replied, thick New York accent filling your head. She turned and walked back to her lover, falling into his arms again. You couldn’t help but to be jealous, and look on in spite. He kissed her gently, beaming at her when he pulled away. 

The noise that left your throat wasn’t human, but it was loud enough to catch the attention of the couple. You recognized his face. No, in fact, you knew it too well. Sonny, your boyfriend, your undercover detective significant other, was entangled with another woman in front of you. 

Lucky for you, the train came only a moment later, and you hurried aboard stood with your back to them. They boarded as well, at the end of the car, leaving you unable to react to what you had seen. Sure, he was undercover, and you knew that, but did he have to act like he was so happy? Had he ever looked at you like that? Questionable. And, if he was so happy, was he really undercover? Maybe it was all a ruse. You glanced down at them, noting that he was staring at you over the shoulder of the woman he was with. You averted your gaze to the floor and glared, wondering what her name was? Probably something cheap like Candy. Why did you hate her? You didn’t even know her, and plus it was Sonny you should be angry with. You thought he was going back to tie up loose ends, not tie up something loose. 

Your stop finally arrived and you quickly left the subway station, nearly running up the steps to get to the street as you fumbled for your phone. 

“Hello?” 

“Amanda, it’s Y/N.” 

“Hey, what’s going on? I haven’t heard from you in a while.” 

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m worried about Sonny. I haven’t heard from him since he left and I didn’t think he’d be gone this long.” 

She sighed, whether in frustration or sadness, you didn’t know. “He’s alright. I talked to him today. He’s working on something bigger now, trying to prove himself to the ring leader of that sick organization so that they’ll trust him. I know this is hard, Y/N, but you’ve gotta trust him, okay?” 

“Why would you say that? That I need to trust him?” 

“I-I don’t know, really, it just seemed like something you’d need to hear, that’s all.” 

“Why isn’t he able to contact me?” 

“He doesn’t want to risk people finding out who you are.” 

“But doesn’t it look suspicious that he’s calling you, and you’re an NYPD Detective?” you countered, getting on the elevator of your building. “Or is this really just keep Y/N in the dark and hope she’s too dumb to ask questions?” 

“Hey, no, you know it’s not like that at all.” In the background, you heard crying. “Look, Y/N, I’m sorry. I am. I can’t explain anything, but Jessie’s losing her mind and I’ve gotta go, I’m sorry.” 

Alright, if that’s how everyone wants to act, then fuck them, you thought to yourself, dropping your bag on the counter when you got inside. If that’s how everyone wanted to treat you, to keep you in the dark and avoid the truth, you’d be a willing participant. You walked into your bedroom and pulled out your suitcase, the one you’d moved away to college with, got your first apartment with, and most importantly, the one you’d used to move into the apartment with Sonny. With a huff, you tossed the suitcase on the bed and unzipped it, beginning to fill it with as much of your clothing as you could muster. 

Now it was time for someone else to be in the dark. 

Right in the feels.

Did you watch episode 2 of Mayans? Are there any teasers you can give us for your mc!au? I love your mc!au, actually I love everything you write, and appreciate you sharing your talent.

carisi-dreams:

I haven’t watched it yet!

as for teasers…I think I have the next part of the cartel drama w/ Nick & Felipe unfolding this week if we’re lucky. and I kinda wanna get back to Sonny & Discord drama too

…as a reminder, in our ‘current’ timeline we have: Lawrence suspicious about Kevin’s death and knowing Razor was involved, possibility of ATF coming to town, off and on zoning issues with the parlor (that Fin & Diego both do their part to help), Olivia & Amanda setting up extra security at the parlor, Olivia & Amanda setting up extra security at Nick’s house, the issue with the Aryan brotherhood still simmering (with Sonny & Nick), the issue with the Caballeros temporarily squashed, but still simmering (with Sonny & Nick) [Caballeros tried to take out Sonny & Nick in the early day of the parlor, if you remember, and they were also instrumental in the plot to take Discord & Guardianes & Bastard’s old ladies in order to push into the town and disband the 3 club alliance) and 2 weddings coming up.

& also…someone gets assaulted, someone gets killed & someone is a rat. in case you wanna know some more plot points I have in mind. 🙂

My favorite AU! Can’t wait to get more!

A small grin crossed your lips as you watched Mike look out at the city. Your husband was looking exceptionally good. “Smile”, you instructed Mike.

He turned in your direction giving you his best Blue Steel. Mike changed his expression several times causing you to laugh until you had tears in your eyes.

“You are such a goofball” you said while dabbing your eyes.

Mike put a hand on your lower back. “I love that sound. And I love that I’m the one that can make you laugh and smile again.”

Source: skittle479

I am glad Nick did not go further with the stripper. How does he begin to win the Reader’s trust back?

Two months since you and Nick had essentially become roommates. He had been making every effort he could to show you he was sorry and gain back your trust. Flowers at work, making dinner, taking you on dates and bringing you coffee at work. The two of you actually had conversations again. If he couldn’t talk, he would at least send you a text. And he never left the house without letting you know when he would be back and where he was going. If he was going to be late, he was sure to tell you. Your trust was building every day. 

Things were starting to get back to normal. Except for one thing- sex. There was intimacy slowly coming back  Kisses and hugs goodnight and goodbye were exchanged. You held hands at the park the other day. And every morning you woke up in his arms. The only thing missing was sex. Images of a woman grinding and kissing Nick popped into your head and killed whatever passion you would happen to be feeling. 

Those thoughts were going through your head when you heard a familiar voice. Turning you saw Nick hobble toward you with a wince. “Y/N.” He kissed your cheek.

“Are you okay? Why are you limping?” Looking him up and down quickly, you didn’t see any other injuries.

“Just twisted my ankle chasing down a perp,” Nick smirked and jerked his head over to a man handcuffed to a gurney. “Got him though.” A uniformed officer stood watch over a rough looking man on a gurney.

“C’mon. Let’s take a look at that ankle.” You motioned for him to follow you to an empty bed. 

“Nah. I’m okay. Th-”

 “Nicholas Amaro do not be stubborn. I will call security”, you said with a grin.   

Nick studied your face for a beat then decided he better listen. “Yes, ma’am.” Nick started walking, well limping back to one of the pods. He lowered to one of the stretchers.

“Let’s get your shows off.” Untying his shoe and slipping it off revealed a swollen, ankle with different shades of blue and purple. “Wiggle your toes, Nick.” He did but with considerable pain. “I don’t think it’s broke, but I’m going to order an Xray and start a chart.”

Helping Nick in the house turned out to be challenging. He almost fell several times just getting out to the car using crutches. “Here. Lean on me.“ You wrapped an arm around his waist, as he draped an arm around your shoulders. 

Finally making it in the house, you helped him lower onto the couch. As you straightened up, the side of your face was centimeters from Nick. You could feel his hot breath on your neck. He brushed his lips along your jaw. “Y/N.” He whispered. “Tre amo tanto. No puedo vivir sin ti. Por favor no me dejas.” 

You felt your heart clench. He thought you would leave him. “Nunca”, was your reply. Nick pulled you to straddle his hips. His dark brown eyes were red-rimmed and full of emotion. “I love you so much too Nicky.” 

Hmm 🤔 either “Christmas is comING” or “We’re carving pumpkins” fall prompt with Sonny 🍂🍁

carisi-dreams:

pumpkins! also, I don’t remember if bella was having a boy or girl so…

//////

“What’s all this?” you asked Sonny as you gestured to the pumpkins and plastic bags sitting on top of the kitchen counters.

You were slightly out of breath from walking up the stairs, you’d think after several years you’d be used to your fifth floor walk up, and you unwrapped your scarf from around your neck absently. Sonny’s back was to you and the scent of something aromatic was filling the kitchen and wafting into the living room.

“Hi, doll,” Sonny greeted as he stirred something in front of him before turning to look at you over his shoulder. “We’re carving pumpkins!”

You shed your coat and toed off your boots before coming closer to him. He turned his face for a kiss hello and it deepened for a moment before he pulled away. You brushed your nose against his cheek and wrapped your arms around him, letting your eyes shut for a few moments as you inhaled the faint scent of his cologne still lingering by the neck of his shirt.

“Mmm, hi. Missed you,” you murmured. “Who is carving pumpkins?”

“Agreed to watch Luke for Bella and Tommy so that they can have a date night. They’re doing well,” Sonny answered. “Figured we could carve pumpkins and pump Luke full of sweets before we return him back to his parents.”

You could hear Sonny’s smile in his voice and you shook your head a little before pressing a kiss to the top of his shoulder and pulling away. You crossed the kitchen to rummage through the bags. It looked like Sonny had purchased everything in the Halloween crafting section of Michael’s. You brought out a bag of black and orange feathers and waved them around with a raised brow.

“Well…technically Luke is too small to carve anything, right? Figured we could also maybe decorate? Do a little of both? You and I carve and Luke can paint or glitter or glue on feathers,” Sonny answered your unasked question with a little shrug.

“Great idea, Sonny,” you told him warmly. “Although…I think you have enough here for ten children.”

“I’m his uncle, it’s my job to spoil him,” Sonny answered with a wide smile. “I’ll spoil you, too, don’t you worry. Go get in comfortable clothes, dinner will be ready in a few.”

“Yes, sir,” you answered with a shade of mocking in your tone as you let the feathers drop back into the plastic bag of craft supplies with a crinkle. Sonny reached out to aim a sharp slap on your butt that had you yelping at the sting.

“If you’re good I have a treat for you after dinner,” he said with a slight leer and wink. You wiggled your butt at him one more time, just narrowly escaping his second slap, before you headed to the bedroom as you laughed.

Love this ❤