Homicide, that’s what you’d thought when you woke up in a hospital bed. It was your first thought – after all, you were convinced you’d killed your attacker and you knew for sure you’d be put on trial for his death. Manslaughter would have been better, but no one would believe that you’d hadn’t spent time thinking of ways to kill Ryan Keller. Justifiable homicide? Maybe, it was an option. You rubbed your eyes and looked around the room, wondering if it would be your last glimpse of freedom. Clearly, you’d spent too much time talking to Sonny – Mr. Ipassedthebar Butdontpracticelaw. Law was never cut and dry.
“Good, you’re awake.” A white lab coat over green scrubs was talking to you. “I’m Doctor Castillo. How are you feeling?”
“Okay, I guess,” you offered and tried to sit up, but felt an unusual pain in your stomach. Wincing, you pulled the blanket away and your top up to see a massive bandage. “What happened?”
“You were stabbed during the struggle,” she explained, noting a few different things on your chart. “When you’re feeling up to it, there’s a few people here to talk to you.”
“Sure, thank you, Doctor. I’m fine.”
Doctor Castillo left, and Lt. Benson walked in, a frown on her face.
“Looks like we just can’t leave you alone, can we?” she asked with a small smile. She was always so good at making you feel like everything was fine, even if it wasn’t. “How’s your injury?”
“I think it’s fine. I just woke up, truth be told, and I’m confused. What happened?”
Olivia filled your cup with ice water and handed it to you. “Drink, you need to stay hydrated. Tell me what you remember.”
You took a sip and thought back to the last thing you recalled before waking up in the hospital. “Ryan was in the apartment. I called Sonny. He said he knew. I.. I was scared, because he said he was there to finish what he started. He said his wife was the sister of a guy that Sonny busted for human trafficking. He choked me, I stabbed him with a make up brush.” You stopped and laughed, despite how inappropriate it was. “I ran, I wanted to hide. He kept saying that if Sonny came in he was going to kill him. I was in the closet, in the hall, hiding and he found me. He was beating me, I couldn’t breathe..” you sighed and looked around. “Then I was here.”
“Good, good. You’re only missing a little piece,” Benson comforted. “The injuries you sustained match your story. What happened, Y/N, was that during this struggle, you used a knife to stab Ryan Keller ten times in the chest, face, and stomach. Somehow, during this fight, the blade of the knife ended up in your body, as well. They’ve run tests to ensure that you didn’t contract any diseases from the cross contamination. Keller is coming out of surgery now. Sonny said you thought you killed him, but you did not.”
“That’s a shame,” you replied flatly and continued sipping your water. “He broke into the apartment when Sonny was gone, and.. he texted Sonny from my phone.”
“His fingerprints were all over the knife, the bathroom, your phone, everywhere. He planned his attack on you. I don’t believe there will be any push back on self-defense.”
You nodded slowly and looked over at her. “What about his wife? Mia?”
“We picked her up as a co-conspirator. She’s at Rikers, and likely won’t see the light of day again for a long time.”
“Thank you, Olivia. Honestly, for everything.”
She smiled her normal warm smile and stood up, exiting your room. A few minutes later Sonny walked in, hesitating in the doorway. “No matter how much time he gets, it’s not gonna be enough.”
“Next time I’ll kill him, then.”
He laughed quietly and walked to you, sitting on the side of your bed where his hand found yours. “I was worried sick about you. I was here all night and all day waiting to get the okay to talk to you.”
“I’m alright, Sonny. I really am fine.”
“I’m sorry I left. I.. I know you’re gonna tell me not to blame myself but I do, for leaving you.”
“You went to the market, love. It wasn’t like you left me for months on end again.” It was a low blow, but you wanted to get your point across. “On the phone, you told me you knew that he was there. How did you know?”
A grin tugged at his lips, causing his eyes to squint slightly from the amusement on his face. “When I got a text from you that said hi baby can you please pick up Indian food? I’m craving it I knew it couldn’t be you. You don’t call me baby, and you hate Indian food. I knew something wasn’t right.”
“I’m glad you’re attentive. What’s gonna happen now?”
“Let Burnette work that out. This is part of your case, and though it happened in Manhattan I know Stone’s gonna be fine working with Burnette. He’ll push for maximum punishment and hopefully skip Rikers and send that bastard to Sing Sing for as long as possible.”
“Ryan said some weird things before he attacked me. Or, well, I guess while he was attacking me,” you said suddenly, changing the subject. You didn’t care where he went or how long he went away; it wouldn’t be enough regardless.
“Like what?” Sonny inquired and filled your cup back up with water.
You nodded in thanks and took a sip. “He said that he thought you were sleeping with his wife but he couldn’t prove it, but that’s why he wanted to ruin my life, to ruin yours. He said that he knew you’d been out with her and that he knew you’d been at least somewhat intimate but he said he couldn’t prove that you had sex. I feel like I need to know the truth, and you know I’m gonna know if you’re lying.”
“I know you’ll know.”
“Don’t dance around this one, Sonny. I dance way better than you.”
“Alright.”
“Sonny. Come on,” you groaned, feeling yourself growing angry with him.
He sighed and stood up, pacing the small area of your room. “You saw us that night on the platform, I know, and I know I don’t know how you felt, how bad that must have been. The sick feeling in your stomach, it had to be ten times worse than how I felt when you caught me. I know it wasn’t right. Undercover or not, I shouldn’t have let it go that far. Yeah I was lonely, I missed you, I craved the attention of another human being,” he began, his face flushing red in embarrassment. “I was trying to get her to open up to me, and part of my way of doing that was obviously what you saw. Making her feel comfortable with me, getting her to trust me. There was one time, only one time, that things escalated. We didn’t have sex, but it was close, Y/N. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, how you must be at home in bed, crying, wishin’ I was there, and I’m fucking asshole for ever leaving you like I did.”
Your face had contorted in a look of anger and disgust, leaving you at a loss for words. Finally after a few long seconds you opened your mouth, a squeak leaving your throat. Eyes brimming with tears, you inhaled sharply and stared at him. “You have no idea what that was like. Tell me, Sonny. What happened?”
“She went down on me. I never came, I swear I didn’t. We were interrupted and I’m thankful that we were.”
Your brimming eyes flooded over and you began to sob, causing your heart rate to increase so suddenly that it set alarms off. “What did you do? Did you return the favor later?” you demanded, trying to swing your legs over the side of the bed to get up. Sonny came over and tried to keep you on the bed, placing his hands on your shoulders. It was a rookie move, so to speak, because if gave you an advantage: you slapped him across the face and pushed him away. “Did you?!”
“No, I didn’t, Y/N,” he snapped, rubbing his cheek where your hand had just seconds ago landed.
A nurse ran into the room and nearly pushed Sonny out of the way to get to you, forcing you to lie back down as she checked your blood pressure and heart beat. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“Yeah, alright, but I’ll be back,” he muttered before walking out slamming the door.
“I’m trying to forgive you, Sonny, so don’t touch me. Don’t even look at me,” you hissed. Sonny was only trying to help, but you’d rather see him burnt at the stake than accept his help right now. You’d been discharged two days ago and had no choice but to return to the home you once shared. If it was awkward before, it was worse now. Not only was it a home that once held so much love, it was now the home that you’d almost murdered someone in. What a wonderful description for the next renter to read: blood and lust and love.
“At some point you’ve gotta get your head outta your ass,” he retorted, leaving you stunned. He was right, yes, but he didn’t need to put it so bluntly. It was fair though, considering the verbal lashings you’d given him over the past few days. Sure, it was terrible that he’d been intimate with another woman but he was undercover, and while you knew it was no excuse, you wondered if there were exigent circumstances that would have lead him to behave the way he did. Maybe it was a situation where if he didn’t show some sort of physical contact he would be outed as a rat. You wanted to know, but had no courage to ask.
You stared at him in shock before pursing your lips together to prevent anymore harsh obscenities from leaving your mouth. Sonny knew he had finally gotten your attention, but he had no idea what to do with it once he had it.
“I’m sorry, doll,” he murmured. “Maybe we’re too screwed up to get back to normal now.”
“What?” You were suddenly aware of what was happening. A slow motion train wreck you couldn’t look away from even if you had tried.
“I just don’t know that this is gonna work. I love you, but I can’t help thinkin’ maybe this just isn’t gonna work anymore.”
“You..you’re breaking up with me?” you questioned, heart racing. “Oh.”
“Isn’t that what you want? You want an out, here you go. You got it. I won’t stop you if that’s what you really want, Y/N.”
The silence that filled the room was only interrupted by your footsteps as you stood up and walked down the hall. Sonny had just broken up with you, only a few days after you’d nearly killed someone in his apartment. It seemed fair, after all who wants a could have been murderer as their.. well, you weren’t really anything. You couldn’t be broken up with if you weren’t actually dating anyone.
He walked in as you were shoveling your clothes into the same suitcase you’d used months before to leave, when you’d left him a letter in hopes that he’d find it and understand his transgressions.
“What are you doing, Y/N?” he asked with a long sigh. He was mentally exhausted and so were you. It was a wonder it’d taken as long as it had for you two to snap.
“I’m leaving, Sonny. We aren’t actually together, if you think about it, so we’re not breaking up. You’re just gonna have less shit in the way,” you explained, pulling clothes off hangers in the closet.
“Stop.”
“Stop what? Giving you what you want?”
“You’re the last person who has any idea of what I want. I don’t even know what I want. But I do know what I don’t want, and I don’t want you to go anywhere, so don’t leave me.” His voice cracked, a noise you’d never heard before.
You glanced over your shoulder at him and realized that for the first time in your entire life, you’d made a man cry. The realization made you feel worse than you already did, and you had no idea how to approach fixing the situation.
“Sonny.. I-I’m..” you paused, unsure of where to go with your next few words. “I don’t wanna go. I want to stay with you, but only if it’s not going to make things worse. I’m angry at you, you know that, and it’s not even your fault. I just don’t know where to go from here and I need you to help me.”
He wiped his eyes dry with the backs of his hands and pulled the clothes from your hands, tossing them on the bed. “Then don’t go anywhere. I can’t be without you. I know I was wrong for what I did and I’m never gonna forgive myself, but if you can even come close to letting me back in, I swear I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that you never feel alone or unwanted ever again.”
You sniffled and nodded, burying your face against his chest and holding him so tight that you thought you might hurt him. Despite having been with him every day and night, it was the first time you’d actually opened up and let him back into your personal space for more than a few seconds. “I’m gonna do my best, too, Sonny. No more undercover work, please, at least nothing that involves you leaving for such a long amount of time.”
“Deal. And no more Brighton Beach for you,” he countered, kissing the top of your head. “And try not to stab anyone else, okay?”
Yes!
SVU addict 