“Sonny, please don’t go.” Begging, though not your style or expertise, was something you were willing to do when it came to the only one you loved.
His sigh and slumping shoulders gave away his guilt. Of course he didn’t want to leave, but if he wanted to make sure he took care of loose ends, he couldn’t be with you until it was over. “I have to, Y/N. I should have never came back in the first place. I put you in danger and if anything happens to you I’m not gonna forgive myself.”
Beneath the warmth of your sweater, your stomach was doing somersaults. One second you were hopeful, the next you were disgusted. Why must things be like they are? You chose to stay silent, knowing that pleading would only make him feel more guilty, and you didn’t want to hurt him.
“It wouldn’t be an issue if I hadn’t been out of that house for nearly five days once you got that call. That’s the problem. I didn’t have your number saved in the burner, I never called you while I was under. It was a risk I didn’t wanna take and yet somehow my best laid plans got shit on.” He was packing a few of his more casual clothing items to leave, having deposited his old bag by the laundry closet on his way in.
You wanted to tell him that whoever it was knew your name, but again with the desire to keep him more calm, you chose not to say anything. Instead, you sat on the edge of the bed and watched him pack. He was moving slowly, as if he wanted to take his time and be near you – but, you both knew time was almost up.
“Let me make this right, and I’ll be back,” he insisted, leaning down to kiss you goodbye. You held him tight for a moment longer and then let him go, nodding and fighting back tears. It was never easy to watch him go, but if it were easy, there’d be no point in staying.
It had been two months since you’d seen Sonny. The same disgusting feelings of wondering why you stuck around continued to float through your head, and after the first few weeks, you started to welcome them. Misery loved company, and you had become so very miserable. While you knew Sonny was working, it was hard for you to understand why he accepted the UC position, anyway. It was so dangerous, and while he was great undercover, you wished he had less talent when it came to being multiple people.
From your tidbits of updates through SVU, you already knew Sonny was working to get close to someone who they suspected of serial rape throughout NYC, and perhaps even down into New Jersey and Delaware. What bothered you most is that someone from the house they were staying in had called you and knew you by name, and now your better half was missing. Benson couldn’t give anymore information than she already had, and it didn’t seem like anyone else was willing to fork over any input, either.
It was better to try to live your normal life, though, even if it wasn’t easy. You worked during the week as a Instructional Assistant at a local Elementary school. On the weekends, you worked on grading the most difficult 4th grade spelling tests you’d ever seen. That was a benefit – being an IA meant you had all eight of the classes as yours, so you stayed busy. When you weren’t nose deep in gel pens and eraser marks, you volunteered at a soup kitchen, though sometimes you stayed home and sulked. Sulking was your favorite.
“What’s on the menu today?” a grainy voice asked on the other side of the partition.
“Good afternoon, Louie. Looks like we have spaghetti tonight, or broccoli cheddar soup. Pick your poison,” you replied with a soft smile. The interaction was nice, but sometimes exhausting, especially when you didn’t feel like pleasantries.
“Soup,” he replied, taking the bowl from you and moving on down the line. “Thanks.”
You murmured a ‘welcome’ and kept it going, serving the next thirty or so guests before everything was gone and it was your time to leave. Volunteering was pretty nice, and you wondered why you hadn’t done it earlier. You had been preoccupied with spending all of your time with Sonny that it was strange but fulfilling to do something for another person.
“I’ll see you guys next weekend. Thanks, again,” you called out as you left the building. It was dark and brisk, your kind of weather, as you stepped out onto the street. The only concern you ever had was that you weren’t in the best neighborhood when you did your volunteering, and it was always dark when you left. The walk to the subway only took about five minutes, though, and you usually hyped yourself up enough to make the trip in 3 minutes.
On the platform, you waited for the next train. Five minutes, hopefully less depending on traffic and whether or not people actually got off when they were supposed to, instead of lingering in the doorway so the conductor had to wait. A couple some twenty feet down from you caught your attention, giggling and twirling one another around. It must be nice. Seeing them out of the corner of your eye really made you miss him, but it simply was what it was, nothing could change that anytime soon.
The woman, in mid spin, lost her hat and watched as it fluttered to your feet. You bent down and scooped it up, meeting her halfway on the platform.
You offered her hat with an outstretched arm. “Here you go.”
“Thank you,” she replied, thick New York accent filling your head. She turned and walked back to her lover, falling into his arms again. You couldn’t help but to be jealous, and look on in spite. He kissed her gently, beaming at her when he pulled away.
The noise that left your throat wasn’t human, but it was loud enough to catch the attention of the couple. You recognized his face. No, in fact, you knew it too well. Sonny, your boyfriend, your undercover detective significant other, was entangled with another woman in front of you.
Lucky for you, the train came only a moment later, and you hurried aboard stood with your back to them. They boarded as well, at the end of the car, leaving you unable to react to what you had seen. Sure, he was undercover, and you knew that, but did he have to act like he was so happy? Had he ever looked at you like that? Questionable. And, if he was so happy, was he really undercover? Maybe it was all a ruse. You glanced down at them, noting that he was staring at you over the shoulder of the woman he was with. You averted your gaze to the floor and glared, wondering what her name was? Probably something cheap like Candy. Why did you hate her? You didn’t even know her, and plus it was Sonny you should be angry with. You thought he was going back to tie up loose ends, not tie up something loose.
Your stop finally arrived and you quickly left the subway station, nearly running up the steps to get to the street as you fumbled for your phone.
“Hello?”
“Amanda, it’s Y/N.”
“Hey, what’s going on? I haven’t heard from you in a while.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m worried about Sonny. I haven’t heard from him since he left and I didn’t think he’d be gone this long.”
She sighed, whether in frustration or sadness, you didn’t know. “He’s alright. I talked to him today. He’s working on something bigger now, trying to prove himself to the ring leader of that sick organization so that they’ll trust him. I know this is hard, Y/N, but you’ve gotta trust him, okay?”
“Why would you say that? That I need to trust him?”
“I-I don’t know, really, it just seemed like something you’d need to hear, that’s all.”
“Why isn’t he able to contact me?”
“He doesn’t want to risk people finding out who you are.”
“But doesn’t it look suspicious that he’s calling you, and you’re an NYPD Detective?” you countered, getting on the elevator of your building. “Or is this really just keep Y/N in the dark and hope she’s too dumb to ask questions?”
“Hey, no, you know it’s not like that at all.” In the background, you heard crying. “Look, Y/N, I’m sorry. I am. I can’t explain anything, but Jessie’s losing her mind and I’ve gotta go, I’m sorry.”
Alright, if that’s how everyone wants to act, then fuck them, you thought to yourself, dropping your bag on the counter when you got inside. If that’s how everyone wanted to treat you, to keep you in the dark and avoid the truth, you’d be a willing participant. You walked into your bedroom and pulled out your suitcase, the one you’d moved away to college with, got your first apartment with, and most importantly, the one you’d used to move into the apartment with Sonny. With a huff, you tossed the suitcase on the bed and unzipped it, beginning to fill it with as much of your clothing as you could muster.
Now it was time for someone else to be in the dark.
Right in the feels.
SVU addict 