somewhatcarisi:

Life Is Worth Living

Trigger Warning: mention of mental illness and death

Word Count: 821

Request: no, just found this chilling in my docs

Pairing: Sonny Carisi x Reader

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You sat on the couch, tucked into your boyfriend’s arms while baking show reruns played in the background of your thoughts. Your mind wandered as the tv got less and less appealing. Instead, you decide to focus on the way your hand perfectly fit into Sonny’s; soft knuckles and sweaty palms neatly locked into place. His thumb softly slid against your grip, painting shivers in its wake.

This life was the only one you wanted to know. You can’t imagine a life without Sonny so the past had become distant and obsolete in your mind. You were getting so used to the feeling of unwanted memories fading away every time he said, “I love you” and bad dreams dissipated with every touch to your skin. He gave you his childhood, filling you in on every happy feeling you had missed out on. He gave you a family and a reason to move on. You loved it.

“What’s on your mind, doll?” Sonny lazily lulled his head to the side and your heart swelled at the silly smile on his face. He could tell you were thinking by the way you rolled your fingers in his grip and traced shapes into his palm.

“You.” The answer was simple and sweet.

“Yeah? What about me?” He sat up with a slight smirk at the mention of a running mind with his name written on it. You shrug and settle on his bright blue eyes. You can’t help the smile that tugs at the corners of your mouth.

“How you make my life worth living.” Sonny slightly rose his brows. He wasn’t quite expecting that kind of answer.

He knew about your struggles in the past, yet he’s never heard you allude to the fact that there was once a time you had not wanted to live life. At first he thought he was jumping to conclusions, just putting some emotionally profound twist on it like he always did, but there was a fog behind your eyes that kept him from believing the smile you had set on your face. He loved you and he could not and would not let you bottle up and throw away your emotions. There was an internal battle of either grabbing you by the shoulders to throw out confessions of utter adoration – or – work through your thoughts before jumping to action and scaring you into telling your secrets. Not wanting to make you uncomfortable, Sonny straightened himself up and cleared his throat,- going for the latter.

“What do you mean by that, doll?” He watched your face, silently noting the way it scrunched up, looking for a way to properly form an answer.

“i mean…” you trail off to think, finally settling on just talking. Sonny would understand whatever word vomit you threw out, he always does.

“You make my life so much better than what I would have ever expected and – uh…” You hesitated again to admit the worst part of the originally sweet thought. “I’m glad I decided to live long enough to fall in love with you.”

Sonny was too shocked to say anything at first. He desperately wanted to get rid of any thought revolving around never meeting you, but he couldn’t help his racing thoughts. He was so worried you still felt this way – felt like you were still waiting on reasons to live. Sonny’s silence made heat rise to your cheeks. You started to pull your hand away from his in embarrassment. He caught your grip and looked you in the eyes, watching the fog in your eyes thicken in self defense. Sonny was quick to spit out his thoughts just to keep your conversation going. If you felt even a little embarrassed, he would make a fool of himself ten times over to make you feel better.

“I’m so so so happy you’re in my life. I love you so much and you’re my world. I wish I had met you sooner so you knew just how loved you are.” His grip tightened around your knuckles and the warm feeling in your chest was making it hard to breathe in the best way possible.

“I live to love you and I’m more than happy you came into my life.” Sonny swallowed, waiting for your reaction. He waited for you to cry – to scrunch up your face and interrogate his reasoning for loving you. However, you did the least expected thing on his worried list.

You leaned up and softly placed your lips on his. Neither of you moved to deepen the kiss in any way – just soaking in the feeling of chapped lips and sweet dreams. Sonny gently pulled away to watched the joyful tears drown out the fog in your eyes.

I love you

I love you

Goofy grins simultaneously adorn your faces and happiness radiated from your hearts. Life was definitely worth living with Sonny Carisi in the picture.